WANDERING BODHI

whole. heal. holy.

The Lies We Tell Ourselves

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I woke up yesterday morning feeling like I’d been on a nostalgic road trip with my ex. This was no regular ex, but the love of my life, my ex-fiance. my best buddy. He was the closest I’d come to unconditional love, with him I felt truly loved, but of course I didn’t appreciate it at the time, I was young and stupid.

Now this was a very surreal feeling. Firstly, I found it strange that he was in my consciousness at all as I hadn’t thought or spoken about him in a long while and hadn’t seen him on Facebook.

But when I woke up it felt as real as it did 6 years ago and tears trickled from my eyes.

It got me writing – writing about my guilt and regret, my feelings, my resentment, anger and love. I also wrote in gratitude for all the beauty we shared.

This sense of sadness stayed with me throughout the day and I wallowed in it a little, I played some Snow Patrol – that always reminds me of him and makes me cry. I’ve learnt not to suppress feelings and rather experience them for what they are, work through them, and then release them. It felt good to cry (tears that I didn’t know I had left), and release.

And then the realisation came…

This relationship ended 6 years ago. 6 years ago! And if I look back at the relationships I’ve had since then, they have all been surface level stuff. I’m always the one saying “Hey, let’s take things slow and see what happens. I don’t want to apply any labels, let’s just go with it”, making no real commitment. The point is I attract emotionally unavailable men, because I am emotionally unavailable, and therefore avoid the whole intimacy issue altogether (by intimacy I don’t mean sex, I mean real intimacy, the deep stuff). Then, if anyone does happen to get too close, my self-sabotage mechanism kicks in and boom I’ve manifested them right out of my life.

What I really miss is having a real relationship with someone, sharing stuff, holding hands, spooning, going on adventures.

The Lie I’ve Been Telling Myself

The funny thing is, I’ve felt like I’ve been in control for the last few years. After all, I was the one who left, I ended the relationship.

But the truth is, looking back, I didn’t have to end it. I could’ve fought for him and stood by him, even though this seemed impossible at the time.

I’ve been telling myself that I’m ok, I’ve worked though this, I’ve released. I mean, this experience has opened me up to a whole new level of consciousness. I’m a changed person, my spiritual life has bloomed and I’m out living my purpose and dreams.

But still, there’s a pattern here that I haven’t seen as clearly as I do right now. Even though I had let go, there were subconscious factors at play.

It’s time to let go. To really let go.

It’s time to open up.

Awareness is a powerful force. Through awareness we can dissolve our deepest patterns and move to a new reality.

I can see clearly now.

What lies do you tell yourself everyday?

 

 

 

 

6 comments on “The Lies We Tell Ourselves

  1. Gretchen Del Rio
    03/05/2014

    Profound sharing. I think that once we see the patterns we no longer have to believe the story and are no longer attached. We can get off the wheel. Joy, joy.

    • sam jones
      05/05/2014

      Touché Gretchen! I’ll have some joy, joy, joy please :)

  2. lindaheenan
    07/05/2014

    Darling, your writing is so beautifully honest, heart wrenching, courageous and uplifting. You are the most beautiful soul and I love you so much. So proud to be your Mom xxx

  3. Katherine Garone
    07/05/2014

    Really deep and moving. So many relationships we form only reach surface level and it takes full open hearts to reach that deep love. The good news is if we open our hearts further it will attract the like. Very inspiring stuff Sam!

    • sam jones
      08/05/2014

      Mmm so true Kat… I’ve gotta learn to open more. Thank you lovely x

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This entry was posted on 03/05/2014 by in Heal, Love and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , .

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I'm Sam, a yogi, adventurer and eternal seeker. Welcome to my blog!

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