I woke up yesterday morning feeling like I’d been on a nostalgic road trip with my ex. This was no regular ex, but the love of my life, my ex-fiance. my best buddy. He was the closest I’d come to unconditional love, with him I felt truly loved, but of course I didn’t appreciate it at the time, I was young and stupid.
Now this was a very surreal feeling. Firstly, I found it strange that he was in my consciousness at all as I hadn’t thought or spoken about him in a long while and hadn’t seen him on Facebook.
But when I woke up it felt as real as it did 6 years ago and tears trickled from my eyes.
It got me writing – writing about my guilt and regret, my feelings, my resentment, anger and love. I also wrote in gratitude for all the beauty we shared.
This sense of sadness stayed with me throughout the day and I wallowed in it a little, I played some Snow Patrol – that always reminds me of him and makes me cry. I’ve learnt not to suppress feelings and rather experience them for what they are, work through them, and then release them. It felt good to cry (tears that I didn’t know I had left), and release.
And then the realisation came…
This relationship ended 6 years ago. 6 years ago! And if I look back at the relationships I’ve had since then, they have all been surface level stuff. I’m always the one saying “Hey, let’s take things slow and see what happens. I don’t want to apply any labels, let’s just go with it”, making no real commitment. The point is I attract emotionally unavailable men, because I am emotionally unavailable, and therefore avoid the whole intimacy issue altogether (by intimacy I don’t mean sex, I mean real intimacy, the deep stuff). Then, if anyone does happen to get too close, my self-sabotage mechanism kicks in and boom I’ve manifested them right out of my life.
What I really miss is having a real relationship with someone, sharing stuff, holding hands, spooning, going on adventures.
The Lie I’ve Been Telling Myself
The funny thing is, I’ve felt like I’ve been in control for the last few years. After all, I was the one who left, I ended the relationship.
But the truth is, looking back, I didn’t have to end it. I could’ve fought for him and stood by him, even though this seemed impossible at the time.
I’ve been telling myself that I’m ok, I’ve worked though this, I’ve released. I mean, this experience has opened me up to a whole new level of consciousness. I’m a changed person, my spiritual life has bloomed and I’m out living my purpose and dreams.
But still, there’s a pattern here that I haven’t seen as clearly as I do right now. Even though I had let go, there were subconscious factors at play.
It’s time to let go. To really let go.
It’s time to open up.
Awareness is a powerful force. Through awareness we can dissolve our deepest patterns and move to a new reality.
I can see clearly now.
What lies do you tell yourself everyday?